When School Isn’t Safe: The Truth Behind ‘School Refusal’

Understanding that it goes beyond behaviour; it’s about emotional safety.

My PDA autistic son (apparently) started Reception last September. We had purchased the uniform, attended the ‘Teddy Bear’s Picnic’ and I was a silent part of the buzzing WhatsApp group. We were ready. Except we weren’t.

There were some days when dropping him off wasn’t torturous, but they were few and far between. We’d shuffle up the ramp towards the Reception gate and as we did his nervous system would catch fire. His grip tightened on my hand and the ‘excuses’ began rolling in. He didn’t want to go, he’d changed his mind, his tummy hurts, he doesn't like school, can he learn at home instead? As each sentence was met by reason and the gate crept closer, the panic would set in, for both of us. The teachers would spot us a mile off and open the gate wide to allow me in with the buggy and I would apologetically push through the queue and guide him into the classroom… In theory.

Twice I left him there, shaking in the book corner with the teaching assistant, lost and abandoned. Reassurance pouring from the Teachers mouth that ‘he’s fine after a while!’ and they’ll ‘give me a call if there are any problems.’

It took standing at the gate once as I watched them drag my 5 year old backwards by his arms into the building kicking and screaming, like a prisoner, tears streaming down his face and his voice breaking with fear, for me to shout ‘STOP!’ and pick up my child, walk out, and never go back.

I’m going to get angry about this so bare with me.

Photo by CDC on Unsplash

Our Schools Shouldn’t Be Scary Places

Let’s take a moment to acknowledge the uncomfortable truth: schools are meant to be safe havens. Places where children go to learn, grow, and thrive. Yet for so many, especially children who are neurodivergent or have additional needs, school feels like battleground.

It is heart-breaking – and frankly shameful – that our education system, which I have worked in for over 12 years, is contributing to such fear, trauma and distress. We should not be normalising the idea that children have to be dragged into classrooms crying. We should not accept that sensory overload, emotional neglect, or punitive behaviour systems are just ‘part of school life’.

The growing tidal wave of school refusal, particularly among SEND and neurodiverse populations, is not a coincidence. It is a direct response to an inflexible and outdated system that often prioritises conformity over compassion.

And let’s be clear: for some children, returning to the school environment is not in their best interests. No child should be forced into an environment that harms them. Where possible, alternatives such as home education can offer a more nurturing, flexible, and responsive approach. I fully recognise that homeschooling is not a realistic or sustainable option for every family – but for some, it is the lifeline their child desperately needs. It was for mine.

In this blog, we’ll unpack what’s really going on when a child ‘refuses’ school, moving beyond behaviour, towards a place of understanding, empathy, and practical support. Whether you're a parent navigating daily battles or an educator searching for better answers, this piece offers a trauma-informed perspective that centres compassion and connection.

Photo by CDC on Unsplash

What is School Refusal?

First things first. Let’s do some housekeeping here.

Many families and professionals feel uncomfortable with the term “school refusal” (myself included), as it can imply that the problem lies within the child, rather than acknowledging the often unmet needs or unsafe environments prompting the refusal.

Alternatives like “school distress”, “school-based anxiety”, “barriers to school attendance”, or “educational access needs” are increasingly used to shift the focus away from blame and towards support. In this blog, we use “Emotionally-Based School Avoidance” (EBSA) for clarity, and we do so with a full understanding that the issue is not with the child and that this is about survival.

What is Emotionally-Based School Avoidance?

It is not simply a reluctance to go to school; it is a complex emotional reaction rooted in fear, anxiety, or past trauma. It often manifests as physical symptoms like headaches, nausea, or stomach aches, and emotional responses such as panic attacks or uncontrollable distress. Unlike truancy, where a child may skip school out of boredom or defiance, EBSA is a child’s way of expressing that something about the school environment feels deeply unsafe.

Anxiety disorders, sensory sensitivities, adverse childhood experiences, and unmet emotional needs all contribute to this growing issue. Research shows that children with anxiety disorders are significantly more likely to experience EBSA, and those with autism or trauma histories are particularly vulnerable.

Photo by Monica Sedra on Unsplash

Why is this Happening?

Understanding the root causes of Emotionally-Based School Avoidance (EBSA) is key to supporting children effectively. It is rarely about defiance or laziness; it is about children responding to environments that feel unsafe or overwhelming. Below, we explore some of the key contributing factors.

Anxiety and Fear

Anxiety is one of the most common drivers of EBSA. This can include separation anxiety, social anxiety, and performance-related anxiety, often co-occurring in children who are highly sensitive, neurodivergent, or have underlying mental health conditions.

Children experiencing separation anxiety may feel extreme distress at the thought of being apart from a caregiver, fearing something bad will happen to them or their parents while they are at school. This is particularly prevalent in younger children or those who have experienced trauma or disrupted attachments.

Social anxiety can also be debilitating. The pressure of navigating peer interactions, managing unstructured times like playtime or lunch, and facing potential judgement or exclusion can create enormous internal stress. Similarly, performance anxiety surrounding the fear of failure, being called on in class, or completing tasks under time pressure, can make everyday lessons feel like a minefield.

According to research by Egger, Costello & Angold (2003), children with anxiety disorders are 10 times more likely to experience persistent school attendance problems. Another study by Kearney & Albano (2004) outlined that roughly 75% of children presenting with school refusal behaviours meet criteria for an anxiety disorder.

Trauma and Sensory Sensitivities

For children who are neurodivergent, particularly those with autism, ADHD, or sensory processing differences, the school environment can pose overwhelming sensory and emotional challenges.

Bright fluorescent lights, loud bells, crowded corridors, unpredictable schedules, and harsh noise levels can all contribute to sensory overload. A 2020 study published in the Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders found that over 90% of autistic children report sensory processing difficulties that negatively impact their ability to function in traditional school environments.

Children with a trauma background may also experience school as a threatening place. Trauma can rewire the brain’s threat response systems, leaving children hypervigilant to perceived danger. Even neutral experiences (like a teacher raising their voice, or a sudden change in routine) can trigger a fight, flight, or freeze response.

Moreover, the lack of trauma-informed practice in many schools – such as rigid behaviour policies, zero-tolerance approaches, and reliance on exclusionary discipline can retraumatise children who have already experienced significant emotional harm.

Unmet Emotional Needs

EBSA is often a form of communication. It’s a red flag that something is not right. For children who don’t yet have the language or emotional regulation to express themselves, school avoidance becomes their voice.

When children feel misunderstood, unsupported, or unseen within the classroom, it can trigger profound emotional distress. They may be masking their difficulties in order to fit in, which is both exhausting and unsustainable. This is particularly common in autistic girls and high-masking children, whose challenges often go unnoticed until a breakdown occurs.

A lack of relational safety i.e., not having trusted adults who consistently offer empathy, understanding, and co-regulation, can leave children feeling emotionally adrift. Children need to feel that their emotional world is accepted and held by the adults around them. When that doesn’t happen, avoidance is not disobedience - it’s survival.

The 2022 report by Not Fine In School, based on a survey of over 1,000 families, found that over 85% of parents felt that their child’s emotional needs were not being recognised or met in school. This mismatch between a child’s needs and the environment they are placed in can lead to prolonged periods of school avoidance and mental health decline.

Photo by Kenny Eliason on Unsplash

Trauma-Informed Responses: Building Bridges Instead of Barriers

Supporting children experiencing Emotionally-Based School Avoidance (EBSA) means shifting away from compliance-driven approaches and moving towards trauma-informed, relationship-based practice. This is not about “getting children back into school at all costs”, it’s about restoring safety, trust, and connection.

Build Trust First

Safety is the prerequisite for learning. For children who have experienced trauma, the nervous system is constantly scanning for danger, and school can easily trigger a state of hyperarousal or shutdown.

In trauma-informed practice, relationship comes before regulation, and regulation comes before learning. This means the first goal is not attendance or academic engagement, but connection. Consistency, predictability, and genuine empathy from adults are critical.

Research from Dr. Bruce Perry and the Neurosequential Model of Therapeutics highlights the importance of relational safety in helping children move from survival states into a place of calm and readiness. A calm, attuned adult can act as a “regulator” for a child’s overwhelmed system. This is why trusted key adults, check-ins, and co-regulation strategies are more effective than consequences or rewards.

"Children don’t learn from people they don’t feel safe with." – Dr. Bruce Perry

Offer Gradual Re-entry

For some children, re-engaging with school is possible, but it must be done gently, slowly, and on their terms. Pushing too hard or too fast risks retraumatisation.

A trauma-informed reintegration plan might include:

• Shortened school days or flexi-schooling to reduce overwhelm.

• Predictable routines with visual timetables and transition warnings.

• Access to safe spaces, such as nurture rooms or sensory break areas.

• Low-demand periods on return, allowing children to observe before participating.

The EBSA Support Pathway (Wiltshire Council, 2021) recommends a graduated return approach, tailored to the child’s readiness and emotional regulation. Importantly, success should not be measured by full-time attendance, but by increased feelings of safety and engagement.

It’s not about whether the child is attending full-time – it’s about whether the child feels emotionally safe enough to engage.

Provide Individualised Support

There is no one-size-fits-all when it comes to EBSA. Each child has a unique profile of needs, strengths, and triggers. Effective support must be personalised, holistic, and responsive.

Examples of individualised support might include:

• Sensory regulation strategies, such as fidget tools, noise-cancelling headphones, or movement breaks.

• Emotional literacy support, using resources like Zones of Regulation or Emotion Coaching.

• Interest-led or project-based learning, especially for children who are disengaged from traditional teaching methods.

• Clear communication strategies tailored to autistic or speech and language needs, including visual supports or reduced verbal demands.
  

The SEND Code of Practice (2015) makes it clear that schools must offer “reasonable adjustments” and “differentiated teaching” to support pupils with SEND. This isn’t optional, it’s a legal and ethical duty.

When we offer children support that meets their unique neurodevelopmental profile, we reduce stress, increase engagement, and foster emotional safety.

Photo by Sigmund on Unsplash

What Parents and Educators Can Do

Work Together

Strong home-school collaboration is essential. When families and educators operate as a team, they can share insights, coordinate strategies, and avoid mixed messaging. Regular, open communication builds trust and helps adults respond consistently to the child’s needs. Meetings should focus on what the child is telling us through their behaviour, not on attendance figures alone.

Create Safe Spaces

Children experiencing EBSA need both emotional and physical safety. This might mean access to a calm room, a break card they can use without stigma, or time with a trusted adult. Safety also includes knowing they won’t be judged or punished for their distress. According to Pooky Knightsmith and other experts in school-based mental health, a predictable, responsive environment significantly reduces anxiety.

Start Small

A full-time, immediate return to school is rarely realistic or helpful. Starting with small, manageable steps, such as short visits, reduced hours, or online connection, can help the child build confidence gradually. Progress is non-linear, and patience is key. Wiltshire’s EBSA guidance notes that flexible, child-led plans are more successful and less likely to retraumatise.

Lead with Empathy

Shame and punishment don’t support recovery. Validating a child’s fears and working with curiosity (“What’s this behaviour telling us?”) helps adults respond with compassion instead of control. Trauma-informed practice recognises that all behaviour is communication and empathy is our most powerful tool.

Conclusion: Listening to the Call for Help

EBSA is not a behavioural problem. It is a call for help. A sign that something in the system is broken and needs our urgent attention.

Rather than trying to "fix" the child, let’s fix the environments we place them in. Let’s advocate for change that puts children’s well-being first. That sees their distress not as defiance, but as a need for connection, understanding, and safety.

With compassion, collaboration, and creativity, we can create learning environments where all children, regardless of their needs, are able to learn, grow, and thrive.

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💬 I’d love to hear from you - have you and your family struggled with school attendance?

(Note: The photos used in this post are of an excellent school I used to teach at and are not of the school that my son attended).